My Journey

Like many people I feel most at home in nature. My earliest memories are of apple blossom falling from the trees in my dad’s garden. The memory sensation in my body is one of surrendered joy. And like many I have never quite understood how fit into the world as it is presented to us, and knew there was something deeper to embody.

In someways I was fortunate, and in other ways it was deeply challenging, that in my early 20’s I had a profound and deeply impactful moment of deep insight into the true nature of existence whilst alone in nature. It was an instantaneous moment of the pure recognition that we are not separate from nature, and that in Reality there is nothing to do.

It was perfect moment of truly seeing that all of the striving, doing, seeking, wanting, needing, success, failure  - that believing there is anything to be or to achieve, is entirely a construct of the world and of the human mind.

Life itself is just here, living. And we get to be a reflection and embodiment of this.

It was a moment of pure relief and complete collapse.

For a short while this reflection brought a deep joy and freedom to my life. But due to the spontaneous nature of it, and with lack of any support for understanding and integrating what had happened, I had no reference points for what had occurred.  The effect this had on my day to day life and how to function in the world quickly became deeply confusing and isolating. I felt a vast gap between my experience and how I saw those around me relating to and experiencing the world.

After an initial burst of freedom with a deep sense of purpose and clarity, I rapidly started becoming exhausted by simple day to day living, and within a year of this recognition I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. At a time when my life should have been taking off, I found myself alone, navigating the medical system, and at the mercy of  the ‘fixing’ mentality within the mainstream medical paradigm.

I was exhausted, almost constantly in pain, and yearning to reconcile the deep impact of what my body was expressing to me. The effect this was having on my life, and the expectations I had for it were rapidly dissolving. My world fell apart.

And whilst it was falling apart I became more driven and more self motivated that I ever had to understand what this illness truly meant and how to become well. Not to just fix some symptoms - so I could become a cog in the machine of the capitalist workhorse, and illusion that had already dissolved for me, but to live healthy, alive and vibrant - in alignment with that realisation I had had alone in nature.

I do not believe that the recognition I had and the subsequent development of autoimmunity are separate.

Over the years what I have come to understand through my experience, is that much of the chronic illnesses, mental health struggles, isolation  and imbalances so common within modern societies and the individuals within them, is due to the loss of this intrinsic connection to nature that I had the profound recognition of in that moment - of seeing our true nature. Not just my true nature but a way of being that is available to anyone.

For millennia humans have moved further away from living in direct relationship with the natural world, and in doing so a collective amnesia of overly identifying with the world of human creation, with the turmoil in our minds, rather than the earth itself has taken place.

It is a loss that is largely unconscious, hidden in a way that most do not even realise they are missing amongst the seeming safety and comfort of the modern world, but so clearly is seen in the cracks when we take the time to slow down and look.

As I navigated my health discovering a new sense of who I was, I was fortunate to find support and guidance from others, both human and of the more than human world, who could support me in integrating my experience, and how to carve out a path in living in the world, whilst holding close to me my connection to my true nature.

What subsequently unfolded over the next decade and a half, was truly integrative approach to healing that neither rejected or submitted to any one dogmatic pathway, but fully integrated the most effective strategies for my own unique experience so that I could be well.

I came to deeply understand the nature of pharmaceutical medications and the role they play in supporting us to live in the modern world.

One of the most profound ‘healing’ experiences I had, was after being admitted to hospital. I can only describe it as time of utter and full surrender to something vaster than I was, but that the surrender to receive help came entirely from my own sovereignty and choice. This was very different from being coerced or scared into doing what I was told, to suppress some symptoms and get on with life.

I spent 5 days in hospital receiving care whilst also receiving what I can only describe as divine healing light pouring into me. I was leaving my room each day to go outside into the grounds to practice qigong - for the first time really understanding what this practice was and fully knowing I was connected to everything.

Whilst the medication I received bi monthly via intravenous infusion in hospital was not perfect and brought with it a need to be vigilant of negative effects from suppressed immunity, it gave me the space and the energy to fully meet the other layers of myself, to nourish my body again which had become weak and depleted from years malnourishment. It gave me the space to reignite my own sense of self and the healing capacity I had within.

Whilst ultimately it was down to me and may own sense of power to become well again, I in no way did this alone.

To truly dance in a symbiotic relationship of receiving support and taking self responsibility is a paradigm shift away from seeing healer or doctor as an authority over, to being a victim to an illness, or stoically going it alone and suffering in silence.

At times I have fallen into both modes as I gradually found an equilibrium of autonomy within support.

It took courage to ask for help; to be vulnerable and to fully allow myself to be cared for when I didn't know what is happening. To trust others so I could surrender into rest which is so needed to be able to heal. Equally it took strength and self responsibility to know what I need and to do what it took to change and thrive.

Whilst it was a deeply challenging time in my life, illness cascaded me into an inner enquiry of discovering of what it truly is to live wholly, fully, as we are. It has become my life’s work to explore what being human really is, and what it even means to be well; that we can thrive and live fully in connection to our true nature - whatever our life circumstances or state of wellness.

I have immersed in several paths of enquiry over the past two decades, with the catalyst of my learning being a 7 year apprenticeship with the School of Intuitive Herbalism.

This was a potent and deep dive into a truly holistic approach. Not just into herbalism, but into how to live in the world, unravelling and relearning so many layers of myself, and within the context of a rapidly changing world.

During this apprenticeship we integrated concepts and practices from medical, mythical and mystical traditions across the world, bringing together ancient practices with modern understanding. All of it always referenced back to and understood from each of our own direct experiences, in direct relationship with living plants and the sacred sovereign land of Britain - my ancestral home.

This has led me to having a truly unique way of practicing which is deeply embedded in my own experience and healing journey. A practice that is embodied rather than theoretical.

The path of my life took a very different turn to what I had imagined for myself, and one of the most potent and hardest lesson this journey has given me was the effect autoimmunity and medication has had on my fertility. I have lost 3 babies in the first trimester of pregnancy, with 10 years of infertility as I healed between the 2nd and third miscarriage. This has been another initiation into trusting what life is bringing me whilst also seeking for answers, navigating medical support whilst staying true to my own sense of fertility and soul journey.

It was after my first miscarriage that I had my second profound moment of insight. Deep in shock and grief, I had an instantaneous moment of these sensations flipping 360* inside of me and I realised none of it was personal, the love I felt utterly unconditional and I could share it

During the years of illness and integration that followed I set up and ran a successful childminding business. This felt like a soul calling from that moment of unconditional love, and it was a calling to simply hold the hearts of babies and children, and their families as they navigated the tender early years of family life and the separation out into the world.

It was more than a job or vocation, but a building of and being central within a community, which led me into also supporting mothers I worked with birth their second and third children, and from this I trained as a Doula and Birthkeeper.

This essence of ‘holding hearts’ - and increasingly holding and guiding women back into their womb connection, is now the core of my work as a herbalist, working intimately alongside my clients as they navigate their path, and discovering for themselves what they need.

It has been a long and at times lonely journey, and in relationship to the Autoimmune disease I was diagnosed with, I no longer feel this is a part of me. I have been medication free now for nearly 4 years and entirely symptom free. And as I approach 40 I feel more fertile, more vibrant and more alive than I ever have before, and I am excited to embrace the second half of life and what it has to offer.

The world is changing faster  and in ways that are unimaginable right now, and I know this path I walk, the challenges I have overcome to know my own vibrant aliveness, the connection I have to my womb, and mu sense of belonging to the earth and to life - to have discernment and take the time to find true clarity, is more important than ever. And I welcome warmly those too who also wish to align with this truth.